Sad and Alone

Chad is gone to St. Paul, Minnesota this week for training. I get the call from my doctor with the results when he's not here to help me through it. I barely had the phone hung up before I broke down. Yes, I've always wanted kids but I'm not sure how much more I can put my body through. It's easy for Chad to say "We can't give up, we can't be quiters." But it's not his body that gets screwed up with each round of drugs. It's not his body that has hot flashes like a women going through menopause. It's not his body that they draw blood from almost every month. It's just not his decision and his decision alone. I'm worried about how we are going to be able to afford more treatment. My insurance is okay but it does not cover fertility treatments. If Chad would be for adoption I would look into that. But he is totally against it and he won't even talk about it. He won't even let me get a dog. He has no idea that I need that something to take care and be responsible for. It would ease the ache I have in my heart that seems to be getting harder to deal with each passing day.

Ever since I was a little girl playing with my dolls, I wanted to be a mom. But also when I was younger I knew that it wouldn't be easy for me to be a mom, I just knew I would have issues. It's hard to believe what you do and think when you are young.